a happy heart is what i got

a thing happened today, only one thing and it made my heart happy. you see, my heart is heavy and not a whole lot does that for me right now. i took a shower, one that was much needed since i hadn't showered since friday evening...don't forget that my heart is heavy, i usually shower daily so try not to judge. while i was drying off i looked up at the fogged up mirror and it said "i love mom" some little person in my house was thinking of me and let the mirror know.

i know they love me but at times like this when i'm not feeling like much of a mother i wonder what they really think of me...like when i'm not coaxing an "i love you" from them by saying it first. they love me, someone loves me and thinks of me...even if it is in the shower.

a kitty can make the world a better place

so a tradition in our family is at one of the kids first few birthdays we take them to the build a bear shop at downtown disney and let them choose a bear for them to cuddle and get them through those rough times... teething, night nights, etc...

addie chose "angelina" a kitty which looks like our grey cat "frankie" and is about her favorite thing in the world. at this point once you pick the animal, they then stuff it with cotton and you get to put some hearts inside.

all of the kids picked a heart and put them into angelina. addie couldn't contain herself, she was going absolutely bananas during this whole ordeal.

they then hand her the kitty before they do the final stitching for her to snuggle for a minute and then had the nerve to ask for it back. why give the kid the cat if they aren't finished yet? look at addie's face, she was so sad that they took angelina back.

after a round of tug-a-war, they finally gave her back to addie and let her give her new kitty a bath and combed her hair

then while everyone was shopping for an outfit, addie had some lunch

now she is back with angelina and pretty much can't take a nap without her. that was a fun day.

fun with sqwa bread at outback steakhouse

so we enjoyed a nice dinner at outback steakhouse on saturday night with the williams. stacy always enjoys the chopped salad and since i don't eat very much, i'm not really picky there. except when it comes to sqwa bread. Not because i enjoy eating it but because i enjoy exploring my creative side with creating art with bread.



saturday i created a wonderful item that i placed on the sidewalk and the williams and stacy and i hid off in the distance to see folks reactions. it was absolutely halarious and sometimes its just fun to be juvenile. here is my creation and i must say... it looks pretty real.


-jeff (i hope stacy starts posting things on HER blog so we have some family memories).

you are never alone

fortunately and unfortunately stacy and i were able to take some pictures of our dear friend gina and her family and friends for her husbands funeral last week. it was such a struggle for me to capture these images of the last time they will see their husband, father, son and brother. although stacy and i are know that we can be with our family and friends again once we part this earth , it is still almost impossible to imagine life without jeremy.

as i was editing some of the images, i came across this picture of gina and immediately saw her in a different light. we can sometimes in the throws of an unimaginable situation feel completely alone and abandoned. i am not even pretending to understand what gina is going through. when i see this picture i can almost feel her emotions and expressions of having those loved ones around you and those closest to us and yet we feel completely alone.

i am grateful to know that we are never alone. even when we feel like there is no way forward, no way out or no peace... where that lump in our throat never goes away or the tears just seem to stop because there is nothing left. we are never alone! i am so grateful to have captured this image. gina, you are not alone and never will be alone. i see all of the family and friends surrounding gina in this picture, i can't help but think that there are thousands surrounding us on the other side that are unseen lifting us up and carrying us through our trials. how else can a mother of four and one on the way move forward from this unexplainable situation.

we love you more than you know gina. you are in our thoughts, prayers, discussions and we are thinking of you more than we think of ourselves. you are never alone.

love you... Jeff

faces?

so stacy is going to kill me (and some of her friends) for this post. Some of you don't know, but stacy is obsessed with taking pictures of herself (see below). Tristan even said today "Dad, how come Mom takes pictures of herself like that:"

She actually takes a picture of us helping her push while she is delivering addie... seriously?

and sometimes she gets so desperate, when she can't reach far enough away to get the picture, she won't give up... she exerts every ounce of energy and any method possible to take the picture. Look at the pain and angioush she goes through to get this critical "couples shot" of the two of us:

She even has Tatum doing it

but stacy isn't the only one doing strange things. here are some of stacy's best friends, I love them to death but I just don't get it. also, what the heck is stacy doing to elvis?

what is up with the angry coleslaw?

I don't think Rich will ever look at Amber the same, EVER AGAIN!

I am not innocent but I think a triathlon is a pretty normal use for half of the faces above and acceptable to most of society. I would think swimming, being mugged, lifting heavy objects or if you are just really stopped up are all good application for these faces. Not sure why they are being used above.

what I don't understand with how beautiful everyone is why the faces?

my wife is super cute and I love her. this is my favorite picture of her having fun and being normal:

Have a good day!

-Jeff

gina (far left) is one of my favorite people on the planet. she has the sweetest smile and is BEYOND generous. she has an abundance of amazing qualities. amber and i always imitate her super high pitched voice and all of the words in the english language that are "hers" :)

this morning gina and her 4 kids with her 5th baby on the way were left behind by her husband who was called home to live with his heavenly father. please pray for her and her kids who rely on him so much. pray for them to have strength through this unimaginable trial. i know that jeremy is going to send a special spirit to gina and her kids in that new baby. i love to think of jeremy having a reunion of sorts with that special little baby.

i love you holt family

i love you jeremy

how other people see me

i've never been one to worry how other people "see" me. i mean, i understand that i am the kind of person that people really like and have a ton of fun around or they just don't get me and can't stand to be around me because i'm just too much for them. i understand both, i like the first the best but TOTALLY understand the people that i'm too much for and it doesn't hurt my feelings a bit. :)

life has never been easy for me and i am fully aware that most people feel the same of their lives. life can be just plain hard at times. one thing that i have always struggled with is how i look...the other way that people "see" me. in my eyes i have never been cute enough or thin enough and as long as i can remember i have been on some kind of diet...yes, even in theses pics.

that body below wasn't good enough for me. men looked at it and whistled at it as i walked down the street but when i looked at it it made me sad. i have ALWAY said that my best feature is my hair. that is a lot of pressure for a hair stylist because if they mess up i've got nothing. :)

somehow with that hideous body ;) i was able to find a man to marry me and to this very day he has never complained that my body isn't good enough. no matter what size i've been he LOVES my body. what more could i ask for right?


i had babies and gained a little extra weight and was totally uncomfortable in my skin but could still look at myself in the mirror and in pictures. i didn't think much about how people would "see" me i just cared that i was acceptable to me because i was a though audience.


cute huh? Jeff's 30th!

a couple of week ago i went to the gym and did a class where me and my body were staring right back at me. when i look at myself i don't see the parts that are my worst because i ignore them. i know that i won't like them anyway. i know what the scale says and i know it tells the truth but my brain can't think of my body in those #'s

this is me! the me that i don't show everyone on my blog. the me without a child standing in front of me to "cover" up the lbs. that have crept on over the years.

this is my body the way that my husband sees it and takes a picture anyway.

this is me hiding behind my kids and after seeing the picture afterward realizing that i'm not really hiding after all. i'm gonna have to have 3 more kids to help me out with that.

this is how i look when my friends see me. i am so sorry. until i saw this i had no idea what i was exposing you to.

that is how other people really see me and until i saw some of these pictures and some that i just couldn't show you this is how i still saw myself.

i see myself in a dressing room mirror, see myself in the mirror at the gym next to other people, see pictures of myself how i really am not the pose i choose to fake out the camera and the rest of you who can't see the real me from where you are. i have seen me the way that other people see me and i am uncomfortable and embarrassed.