Tuesday, September 20, 2011

best laid plans

i should have know, but really how could i have known???
i never should have started my journey to #5 posts until i knew for sure that i was out of the woods. first of all let me introduce my sweet little buddy Ashton. Ashton was born july 24th and was 8 lbs. 1 oz. he's just over 9 weeks old at this point and is SO loved by his family. he has had some tummy trouble so he's been kinda sad. he has also been quite sick and had at least one dr. visit a week since he was 2 weeks old. SAD!!!!
every time i have a baby i know to expect a little postpartum depression. with tristan it was pretty bad and with the 3 girls it was more like the baby blues and was gone in a few weeks. this time as i sat in the hospital on the 3rd day (i was getting ready to be released) i could feel that darkness start to set in. it was too early, i hand never experienced that so soon, usually it started a few days after i got home from the hospital and it was rolling in fast and furious. it wasn't long before i started to feel desperate for a normal existence something, anything that felt familiar or normal. i cried hard and i cried for a long time and i wondered how a pain like this could stop. a couple of long weeks after that i could feel myself healing...i was getting better. i started to feel happiness seep into my soul and for that i couldn't have been more grateful.
i had about 3 weeks where i felt "normal" i guess as normal as one could feel while dealing with the demands of a new born and an almost 3 year old but it was good i tell ya. my relationships with the people in my life felt better and less forced and i was so glad for that. just over a week ago something broke inside of me, something big, something that makes me who i am! AND IT HURTS!!!!! it hurts like nothing i have ever experienced. it's like all of the hurts from over the years never healed and piled one on top of the other like they're waiting in line to be dealt with. FYI i am NOT equipped to deal with you!!!!
i have moments that feel normal but they are very brief and i cry when they disappear because i'm afraid that it'll never come back. i am being suffocated by depression...it's bad and lonely and scarier than anything i have had to go through because it has control over me. i'm missing things, moments that are precious and that i can never get back. i don't want to miss out but i can't make myself be apart of it all. i am a spectator of everything that is happening and i should be a player.
i know that this will get better and that i'll be able to look back on this time and be grateful that i survived but i wish that that alone could bring me hope. the truth is that i don't see and end in sight and i would give anything to see an end. this hurts and i'm afraid of losing the people in my life that i need the most, i hope that they can be patient long enough for me to heal.
please be patient?

p.s. i'm getting help and if you're suffering too so should you!


also if you see me posting on my journey to #5 chances are i'm feeling better. :)

12 comments:

Kate said...

Hang in there Stacey! I'm so glad that you're getting help. Remember- you are a strong girl and so many people love you :) We should meet up at the splash pad again. This time on purpose! :) Love ya!

Paige Nordstrom said...

This too shall pass. I know it doesn't seem like it in the moment but it does and you will begin put all the pieces back together. I know because I've been there. It's not easy but the sun does shine again. Just remember how much Heavenly Father loves you and you will pull through. I wish there was more I could do but you have my number if you ever need to talk. Love ya.

5littlenordstroms said...

That last comment wasn't my 13 year old by the way sorry. I't me Beth don't worry. hehe

Enjoy Birth said...

Oh sweetie, I am SO glad you are getting help. Is it from someone who specializes in PPD? That can make a huge difference. Do you have a lot of support around you to help with the baby and other kids and you???? I wish I was closer and could be there to help you. I will keep you in my prayers and I hope that you come out of it soon.

Jen said...

Thanks for sharing that Stacey, it's comforting to know that other people go through it too (although, I hate that other people have to go through it too). Hang tight, things will get better. Just love on that sweet baby and cry when you need to. I'm sure your family understands and they will be patient with you :) Thinking of you!!

adheringwords.com said...

I have always loved your honesty! It will get better! Love you!

Mama Mayhem said...

missing you. Ashton is just perfect and thanks for saying get help if you need it. I too need it and am getting help so all of you listen to Stacy cuz it helps

Amber said...

I came across your blog, I really hope that things are working out for you. I see you haven't written in a while, but I hope that it's because you are the busy mom that you've been, tending for your children and little one with special health needs. I think that you are strong, just by reading some of what you wrote, I believe that you have a voice, a voice that can help others....I wish you luck, love, peace and faith for your future...and encourage you to keep reaching out, because you are not alone...and people need to hear your stories.

Amy said...

Just happened across your blog. Hang in there!

kevin21 said...
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neeraj.p. said...
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The Fear Of Failure said...

Nice picture ! =)